I gazed at him lovingly every day

25 Jun

michael jacksonWhen I was eight years old, I got my first-ever album. It was by The Jackson Five. Inside, there was a paper sleeve protecting the record. And on this sleeve was printed many fan items for purchase. The heart-shaped stickers with Michael Jackson’s photo in the center I pined for, day in and day out.

I would spend hours looking at the album and the fan items for purchase. It was too complex a process for my eight-year-old self to buy a sticker. And my parents wouldn’t have understood my desire, or thought it charming. This was another era: the beginning of the GenX era of childhood. Millennials, you’ll never understand in any meaningful way … and that’s ok.

My young tweenager’s heart would envision scenario upon scenario of how Michael and I would meet. How he would fall in love with me. And how he would choose me as his true love among all the other girls who loved him. I knew it was our destiny, and I spent much time seeing how it would happen.

I’ve grown up with his music. Watched him struggle. Do strange things. Always caring for him, even in his oddities. Even feeling sadness for his possible/probable pedophilia and how he wasn’t born that way, but made that way by … by who knows what combination of events/people/happenings.

And today, when hearing of his heart failure, my heart hurt for a moment. Deep. While I don’t know the circumstances or (possibly gory) details to emerge around his death, it felt right to me that his heart would give out. Has he known love? To give? To receive? To allow? To forgive? It seems logical and right that his heart would be weak in spirit and in soul.

The radio and twitter were my first feeds on the news, with twitter bringing links of the confirmed death. This evening, I turned on the TV to celebrate his life. Channel after channel of the same story. Lurid. Loving. Tragedy. Gossip. Up. Down. He was great. He was odd.

I already know all that.

I just wanted to listen to his music. Watch his videos. Marvel. Remember. And love him now, as I have always. As someone whose expression of self touched me inside and opened me up. These two videos are from his earlier days. I enjoyed watching them again tonight and share them that you might, too.

Ben

Rockin Robin

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One Response to “I gazed at him lovingly every day”

  1. Terri June 26, 2009 at 6:13 pm #

    Jessie,

    My elementary staples were “Rockin’ Robin” and “ABC”. “Off the Wall” was the album played to death at my junior high dances. “Thriller” was on the stereo at every high school party I attended. My girlfriends and I watched with amazement the brand-new channel MTV, with its videos of “Beat It” and “Billy Jean” and “Thriller”. I was so saddened by what Michael Jackson became, but in my mind’s eye he’s the skinny scarecrow from “The Wiz” and the moonwalker on stage.

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